So after a year of silence… I’m back! This comes on the eve of a momentous occasion for me. My first return to Spain. I tried desperately to visit after the New Year but a change in jobs and a new apartment made it impossible. With the upcoming nuptials of my dear friend, Michelle in mid-October and my presence necessary as her Maid of Honor, I have no excuse but to escape back into dreamland.
I would be lying to say that I’ve been anxious for my departure: counting down the months and now the weeks, soon to be the days then the hours. To my surprise I’ve actually been hesitant in thinking about my travel plans. Not that I’m not excited for the new Mr & Mrs. But because of the inevitable question I will have to ask myself…. Do I regret moving back to Chicago?
This questions has been undeniably plaguing my subconscious and a times bursting out of my drunken conscious for months. I moved back in August of 2011 for 3 weddings in which I was a bridesmaid. Do I regret that decision? Absolutely not! I couldn’t imagine missing any of those celebrations of 3 of my very close friends.
However, I have allowed myself to accept the fact that I don’t believe I had enough time in Spain. That my daily European, guiri adventures have been put on hold forever in exchange for the ever engrossing American life-style. Spain has become a distant dream that at times I find difficult to remember. I’ve met up with friends, Spanish and American, over the course of the year; yet, I still feel disconnected when talking about our old stomping grounds. Does this happen to everyone over time? Do memories become less detailed and lose their thrill? Or is it my brain actively not allowing myself to remember those feelings and sensations for fear that it would make me realize something… that maybe I wasn’t just an American living in Madrid. Maybe, I was a woman simply born in America but living her life where she was meant to be….
I’m clearly having a lot of mixed emotions right now. It’s taken me almost a year to finally put the ideas running rapid in my mind down onto paper (well, the symbolic paper of life if computers didn’t exist).
This trip could be a game changer for me… it undoubtedly will. And that’s what I fear. I’ve always known what I wanted. I knew I wanted go to college. I knew that when I graduated I wanted to go abroad. I knew that I wanted to return to Chicago to reconnect with my friends and family this past year. Yet, here I am completely uncertain of what I will want in a month’s time. I have an amazing life here in Chicago. I couldn’t be happier with my current job (unless they paid me more; then I could be happier). I love having my family so close that I can see them anytime I want and being there for birthdays and graduations and random movie dates. I adore being able to call friends without having to organize a time a week in advance. But is all that enough? I feel like there’s something missing. Is it Spain?
Check back in a month….
